‘Rip my heart apart
Every piece into more pieces
Love is for foolish hearts
Now I wish I had listened’.
As I dropped my pen on my tear-soaked notepad, I felt weak like a surge of energy just left me. I sobbed silently on my bed. My mind in total disarray, I cried till there were no more tears in my tear ducts, till I felt like I couldn’t breathe, till I felt completely drained and I must have drifted off to a long dreamless sleep because when I opened my eyes, the blanket of dusk had covered the earth.
I was trying to detach myself from the warm embrace of my bed when my younger brother bounced into my room.
“Yo! Cow! So you finally woke from your century-long slumber”
“Well, I got tired of waiting for Prince charming or Shrek”
“Eish! You actually look like an ogre right now. Were you crying? Your eyes are so red”
“I’m going into ogre mode. Have you forgotten about the curse? Its dusk already” I tried to joke because I didn’t want him to worry about me. It worked. He burst into laughter. I smiled weakly.
“But seriously, what’s wrong?”
Now, I know my brother cared about me but I really didn’t think he was old enough to be exposed to how ugly the world is, I mean, neither was I but I was rather unfortunate so I settled for the more believable lie.
“My eyes were itching so bad. Maybe I rubbed them too hard”
“You just can never resist rubbing them, can you?” He said, rolling his eyes.
“Keep rolling your eyes like that and they’d get lost in your sockets”
Now when people talked about heartbreak previously, I thought it was just some sort of emotional prick but it was more. I felt the pain physically, I felt like there was a crack that ran through a part of my heart and someone was tearing it away, slowly, painfully. I was lost in a cyclone of turbulent emotions; disappointment, sadness, confusion (I don’t even know if that is an emotion but I felt it anyway), and amidst all these, an ironic relief in the thought that I hadn’t given him my body, not that he would have been interested anyway but I found solace in that thought. All said and done, the hardest part was, I still had to smile and pretend nothing was going on to avoid questions from my family. At the end of the day, when I was finally alone with my new best friends, my bed and pillow, I would soak them in my pain and sometimes fall into hysteric laughter when I think of how blind I had been to all the forewarnings. Jake never asked me out, I had to remind him to do that. He kissed me but I guess I was just his guinea pig in his experiment to confirm if he was into girls. He bought me so many nice things as future consolation. When I finally fell asleep, my dreams were a video playback of every moment we spent together. It was like my brain was playing a cruel joke on me and whispering in the background, ‘I told you not to listen to your foolish heart’.
I wasn’t doing better at school either. I would fall asleep sometimes during class because I was getting little sleep at night and when I got caught, I would get punished but I didn’t care. I would serve the punishment with the highest degree of nonchalance. I had eye bags the size of small coconuts and my cheeks were sinking in faster than feet on quick sand. I looked like a century old rag doll.
One hot afternoon, after school, I’m snoring away on my books and bathing them in saliva when my phone jerks me awake. I grabbed it without looking and reflexively press the green key and place it to my ear.
“Herlow” I muttered, trying to catch my flowing saliva with my tongue.
“Hey, I didn’t think you would ever speak to me again”
It was Jake. The nerve of him! His voice slapped me wide-awake.
“Hi Shay, how are you?”
“Oh well, I haven’t slit my wrists yet if that’s what you mean but its starting to look more attractive an option by the minute”
“Don’t say that!” He reprimanded.
“What makes you think you have a right to an opinion on what I do or not do or what I say or don’t say? You made it quite clear that you’re no longer a part of my life and I’m trying to live with that and if you really wanted to be helpful, you’ll stay away from me. Don’t call me again Jake. I want you to be a Dinosaur to me. If you don’t understand what that means, it means I want you to be extinct to me. Just a myth told by some old guy in a country whose existence I don’t even know of. I want to believe you never happened”. I said without pausing for air.
“I get it. I’ll stay away. I’m sorry I hurt you”
“Sorry never healed anybody, Jake. Goodbye”. I ended the call before he could reply because the lump in my throat was winning the war against my voice. The dam got broken and the tears came gushing out.